Within the
walls of our home, we have the opportunity to create a foundation that prepares
our kids to engage with the world around them.
In my work with children and families, I’ve found ten elements to
creating a haven of trust and fostering a lasting relationship with your kids.
You know
your child feels loved, but a great question to ask yourself is, “Does my child
feel heard?” Whether your child is an
introvert, extrovert, verbal processor, or quietly calculated, they need to
know they are heard and that their thoughts are valued.
Most of us
agree that we believe it’s extremely important for our children to have a voice,
but many of us have not done the best job of creating space for them to be
heard. It’s okay! It is a learning process and one that I
promise has lasting rewards!
1. Become your child’s first point of
contact. The truth of the matter is that if your children don’t
feel comfortable talking to you, or if you don’t have the time to talk to them,
they will find someone else who will listen.
It’s a gamble. They might find a
great mentor in a teacher or another parent, or they might turn to media and
other kids. The cost of turning the radio
down and having conversation in the car is pretty low in comparison to the
devastating influence a negative mentor can have on your child’s life.
2. Model hard conversations, spoken with
respect. Show your kids it’s okay to engage conflict
and that it is much healthier and productive than sweeping angry feelings under
the rug where they will boil and fester and turn into bitterness, resentment,
etc. Model respectful conversations
filled with “I Statements” and a desire to understand the other party. When things don’t go as you hope, allow your
kids to see you process your thoughts and emotions. In this, you become human and show them that
all emotion is okay, but what action we decide to take with that emotion can be
positive or negative. Somehow, allowing
your kids to see that you have emotions, gives them the safety to express their
own emotions to you. When they see you
respectfully handle conflict, it gives them the green light to come to you with
tough information when the need arises.
The groundwork you do in this area when your children are young (Don’t
worry if they are older, you can start now.) will serve your relationship in
immeasurable ways as they grow older.
3. Don’t discipline the processing of
thought; discipline inappropriate actions.
If a child comes
to you on their own accord to admit a problem or process an inappropriate
choice, try to hold your tongue and listen.
It is so tempting to jump in and fix the problem or react to horrible
news, but give them the space to talk!
It took a lot of courage for them to admit their mistake to you. Give them the space to share their thoughts
and emotions without judgment. As you
foster the haven of trust, you garner their listening as you later process the
ramifications of their inappropriate actions.
Consider these circumstances teachable moments rather than guilty
parties in a courtroom awaiting sentencing.
4. Talk less, listen more. We’ve heard it a million times, but do we actually do it?
That’s all I’m going to say about that!
5. Demand respect among siblings. Unfortunately, as a parent, sometimes you have to play the
role of mediator, and it is crucial that you demand respectful talk from your
children – to each other. Not only are
you setting the tone for your home, but you are training them to be people that
handle conflict and treat others with dignity in the real world. You are also setting the tone for what their
relationships will look like as adult children.
6. If they witness Mom and Dad fight,
let them witness reconciliation. I’ve heard people say to never let
your kids see you fight. Now, whereas I
don’t think you should fight in front of your kids if you can help it, let’s be
honest, your kids live with you, you’re not perfect and sometimes your spouse
is going to raise your blood pressure!
If your kids witness a fight, or even unkind tone/words between you and
your spouse, let them see the reconciliation, as appropriate. Oftentimes, we feel guilty if our kids see us
lose our cool, we reconcile in private, and the next time they see us,
everything is back to normal. This gives
them a faulty perspective of healthy communication in close relationships. If kids don’t get to witness reconciliation,
they often struggle with conflict in their close relationships down the road in
one of two ways:
a. Avoiding conflict altogether due to
fear of failure and lack of a framework for healthy reconciliation
b. Having unrealistic expectations that
things will “just work out” without engaging in any communication (If your kids
see you fight and then the next day you’re fine, they don’t know what happened
in the middle and can assume nothing required fixing.)
77. Exhibit grace over legalism (No
question is a dumb question). If you want your kids to come to you
when they’ve made a mistake or even when they have a tough question, you must
choose your love for your child over your expectations. This doesn’t mean that you don’t have a
standard of excellence for your family, but it does mean if you have drilled
your rules into your kids without exhibiting much grace, there’s a pretty good guarantee
they won’t come to you when they’ve messed up.
Let’s be honest, when we know we’ve made a mistake or are uncomfortable
discussing a controversial topic, the last thing we want to do is put ourselves
in a position to be shamed. Have
standards but exhibit grace and refuse shame a seat at the table in your home.
88. Learn how to say “I don’t know”. This might be the most important item on this list. There is so much power when your child is
hurting in saying, “Baby, I don’t know why this is happening and I don’t have
the answers right now, but I promise I’m not going anywhere and I will walk
with you through this situation. I will
try to find an answer, but even if I don’t, know that I am here and I love you.”
9. Learn how to love from a
distance. It’s hard. When
your kids are hurting, you want to be there to fix everything and sometimes you
can’t. Stay consistent and love from a
distance, let them know the door is always open. Loving from a distance preserves a
relationship rather than squelching it by smothering.
10. Resist the temptation to shelter. We want to save our kids from the atrocities of this world –
and rightly so, it can be a scary place to live. I’m not suggesting that you expose your
children to evil, but I am suggesting that you help shape their worldview and
invite them to understand the world around them. When we shelter our kids and then send them
into the real world, many of them end up rejecting what we’ve taught them
because it just doesn’t work in the world of pain that they enter. Teach your kids about pain and suffering and
teach them about hope. Use discretion in
sheltering them, for sure, but provide opportunities to build their intellect
and confidence and ultimately their hope in a God who is more powerful than any
evil they will encounter. Let them see
you interact with the real world. In
doing this, you are raising powerful little champions of change that will grow
to become advocates of justice and truth in an evil world. Build a foundation not a shelter.
